Different or Dead??

ok so ive said in multiple past posts that ive finally given up on the whole megan situation, but i promise its legit this time!! i just thought i should get some of the last bits of anger off my chest...so ive been trying out some new life philosophies lately, and ive found a few that i like...for example, i try not to regret anything (so far i dont), and i try not to be a hypocrite (not many problems there either, but to say there were none would be hypocrisy)...however, the whole "forgive and forget" thing?? SO not working for me...like, at all!! as much as i try to forgive megan for everything shes put me through, i cant...i mean, its not something stupid like going to escambia instead of west florida this time (we had a pretty heated arguement about that one...not pretty...)!! shes basically saying that she doesnt care about God anymore and thats UNACCEPTABLE and INEXCUSABLE!! i mean, HE GAVE YOU LIFE!! and the LEAST you can do is show up to church and listen for an hour every sunday, but she cant even do THAT!! even HYPOCRITES manage to do at least that!! shes not even TRYING anymore!! see, i can read her a lot better than she thinks i can...i know her well enough to be able to tell basically what shes thinking most of the time, and i could tell she was getting a bit distant after last year's mission trip...ANYONE could tell THAT!! but when everyone else seemed to have let it go, we were two of the small few who held onto our anger...as time passed, so did the vast majority of my frustration with the leaders of our youth...but megan didnt let it go...the whole "K-Town Fiasco" had turned her off to the whole idea of going to church and being led by men who had slandered 4 youth and 3 older men, one of the youth being her own brother...i understood that she wouldnt want to be a part of that, but i figured she would get over it...of course, when she didnt get over it, i was a bit worried...she stopped coming to church, first on wednesdays because of band practice...later, AFTER band practices on wednesdays were done, she still didnt come, which alerted me to the fact that she may just be avoiding the youth group as a whole...then, she stopped coming sundays unless she had nursery...eventually, she was taken off the nursery list and no one ever saw her at church...of course, i was still talking to her a bit outside of church, bugging her about not going, even though i knew it would help...our phone calls got shorter and less frequent, until all we did was text occasionally, mostly on sunday mornings when i bugged her about coming to church...i knew she was avoiding the subject because as soon as i confronted her with anything she would stop replying to my texts, knowing i would send more texts badgering her to answer, because ive never really been one to do that kind of thing...also, i had picked up on the fact that she may have started using not-so-Christian language behind my back...it was the way she hesitated before saying some things and looked at me everytime a curse word popped up in a song we may have been listening to, leading me to believe that she may have almost (or accidentally) slipped and said it when i wasnt looking...i even got a controversial text from her where a certain letter in a certain acronym supposedly did not stand for the word that i knew it stood for based on prior knowledge of the acronym...either way, she was hiding something from me...of course, we all know how well megan hides things from me...i DID figure out that she was my secret partner AND what she got me last summer during the mission trip...so when i finally had had enough and blew up at her, what does she do?? SHE calls ME a liar!! she gets mad because i told the truth!! shes read most of my blog entries about her, and shes gotten mad at every one of them...even though they are basically redundant in that there isnt any new information in any of them...they're all pretty much wordier versions of the text i sent her in february blowing up at her...

so the real reason for this post is NOT to retell my story for the umpteenth time...actually, its to finally reveal the TRUE outcome of my ordeal...while everyone keeps asking me how we're not friends anymore since we were so close and why she doesnt come to church anymore, i find it bewildering that nobody knows the answer already...then, i realize that no one else knows my real stance on the subject...see, to you guys, megan is the same person, just a bit different...

well, i have other views...see, to me, she hasnt changed!! to me, shes dead...

the old megan that i used to hang out with and who used to finish my sentences (and vice versa) is dead, and some freaky new girl has taken her place...someone who has completely different views from my megan and who doesnt even know i exist...someone who ive never met, and who i dont intent to meet anytime in the near future...someone who has no idea how idiotic shes being because she's never known any other way of life...

thats why i dont simply say "oh megans just not here today" or "megan and i are fighting"...no, i say that we shouldnt expect her back and that shes gone completely, because like i said, shes dead to me...its like she doesnt even exist anymore...and yeah, it hurts to think of my best friend as dead, but it would hurt even more to know that shes still there, but she just doesnt care anymore...so please respect my mourning and dont bring her up too often...its not everyday that your best friend dies, ok?? so show some respect...

also, i never really knew exactly how much i depended on having someone there to do stupid stuff with and talk until 5am about nothing...i never knew how much i depended on having someone there who understood the inner workings of my mind to think along the same lines as me and stop me before i acted on any of the dumber things...how much i depended on not being by myself all day every day...i cant stand being around people unless i have someone else just like me to converse with...i cant be my usual bubbly self because its no fun unless theres someone there to laugh at how excited i get over everything...i cant go to any concerts because making those kinds of memories with other people seems wrong since they could erase all my older memories...i cant do any crazy stuff without someone there to hold the camera while i talk stupidly into it...i cant listen to certain music because its no fun without someone else there to dance to it and mess up the lyrics...i cant even THINK about where ill go to school if i have to come back down here for my last semester of school...its even hard to write in this blog because of its origins and the fact that i only have (had) 1 regular viewer...

i want so much to be able to say sorry and get on with my life, but i honestly believe that i have nothing to say sorry for, and that even if i did, theres no one to say sorry to...there isnt even a headstone i can talk to because shes only dead to me...its like the whole chunk of my life that included megan has just disappeared and ive been in a coma and now i have to adjust to life again since ive been asleep so long...

i want so much to forgive her, but i cant...i cant forgive anyone for giving up on God, of all things...she didnt even come for me, which adds insult to injury...its sad because we started out the same...we were saved around the same time, we were baptised within 5 minutes of each other, we both went to sunday school and church on both sundays and wednesdays...we used to have discussions at 3am about certain passages in the bible and how they related to us...we would read passages out loud over the phone...we both went on the mission trip twice, and we worked in the same grade both times...after the first time, we were inseparable...we did everything together...we grew in Christ together, but somehow she slipped away before we were done growing...we were almost exactly the same in terms of lifestyles outside of school...but she was the first to fall off the wagon...

i dont know how the idea ever got into my head, but i guess i was always under the impression that if a problem was meant to be solved, it would resolve itself...i was wrong...shes still dead, and im still angry...she hasnt even tried to apologize, and i have yet to succeed in forgiving her...how can i not be able to forgive the person who planned out her whole wedding to nick jonas and even promised to let me be the maid of honor??

i know its horrible to hold grudges against dead people, but i cant help it...im so angry at her for everything, and im angry at myself for not being able to get over it...

if, somewhere down the road, we end up friends again, i hope she reads this and knows what she put me through, and i hope that she regrets it and sees how stupid it was...

if you read this, yeah im still mad...but an apology would help...

Summer

so its summertime, and i dont know whether i should be happy or sad...it feels great to be doing nothing and know that i dont HAVE to do anything, but its also a bit weird because i keep expecting the vacation to end and ill be back at school...i havent even emptied my bookbag yet because its like i need to make sure im not going back!! its also kinda sad because its my very last year in public schools since ill be homeschooled next year...believe it or not, i (the one who hates school and who has frequently begged to stay home) didnt want to leave on friday...i stayed in the classroom for 20 minutes talking to everyone and thinking about how after i saw past all the work-related stress, the school year had actually been really fun...i almost cried as i walked away for the last time because i knew it was my last day there as a student...i spent another ten minutes walking around campus and taking pictures, but the one i really wanted to take i couldnt take because there were two retards making out right in the way of my shot...im gonna miss it...i cant wait for next year when i get to sneak in during lunches and pep rallies, even if i cant say hi to all my old teachers (i dont want them reporting me after i told them all i was moving...not a smart move...)

so since school let out and ive gotten all (or most) of my tears out of the way, ive been doing basically nothing...i watch movies and listen to music until 4am, then i sleep till 5 or 6pm...its not the most exciting summer break ive ever had, but at least im getting enough sleep...my favorite song right now is "Can't Break Thru" by James Bourne, formerly of Busted...i know its about a relationship, but it kind of fits my life right now...well, one aspect of it anyway...its about how he's given up on a relationship thats been broken and how he wont say he's sorry because he didnt do anything...he talks about how it hurt at first, but now hes "let go in every way"...everyone should listen to it...

Can't Break Thru

isn't it good?? i fell in love with it the first time i heard it, which was like a week ago...sure, theres a not-so-great word in the second verse, but in my mind, i just replace it with yelling

so yeah, i dont know why i even wrote this post because its kind of pointless...all you've learned is that i kind of miss school and that i love a song...how informative!! but yeah...im kinda done because theres nothing else thats even remotely interesting happening in my life right now...bye

Party Update and Latest Poem

ok so about my party...the planning has been going pretty smoothly and according to schedule...i ordered the jack sparrow cutout off of ebay on friday, so it should be here by the end of the month...i went party decoration shopping on saturday and picked up some cool stuff (including a movie camera shaped pinata!!)...invitations went out today, and ive started getting some yeses and maybes, so turnout looks pretty good so far...i have to hand out the rest of the invitations later at church (only the school invitations have gone out)...ive had a few people literally begging for them!! ok...so i MAY have told them they would only get one if they begged, but its basically the same thing, right?? ok maybe not...haha...but yeah, the point is that people wanna go, which means that im doing my job fairly well...now if only i could be put in charge of some youth events, maybe we'd get more than 4 people coming on wednesdays!! but yeah...so invitations are checked off my extensive list of things to do, thankfully!!

as for the poem, i wrote it a few days ago in geometry because, honestly, what else am i supposed to do in that class?? it's called "Broken", a name i stole from the Secondhand Serenade song...i might give the person who guesses my inspiration a piece of candy, so pay close attention!!

Broken, by Stevie Lee

I was empty when I met you
And you made me complete
I should not have given you the power
To cut me so deep
You had my trust completely
But you abused every bit
You threw powerful blows
And ran once you hit
Every blow had a meaning
Like the very first one
You left me for him
Because I was no fun
Does the guy you just met
Mean more to you
Than the best friend who gave you
A place to run to
every time you were hurt??
Do you care anymore??
Are you just going to leave me
Broken on the floor
Calling for help
When there’s no one around
To pick up the pieces
Scattered across the ground??
Was he just that important
That you can throw me away
Like the memories we’d made together
Day after day??
I wish I could tell you
Just how much it hurts
That my best friend in the world
Has become such a jerk
But you refuse to listen
And my pleas are in vain
And im left here broken
Crippled with pain
I really hate to give up
On what I long so much to fix
But I cant seem to reach you
When your skull’s grown so thick
So for now and forever
I guess this is goodbye
But don’t think that as I write this
Im not dying inside


so yeah...guess the inspiration and get candy!! pretty sweet deal, if you ask me...well, im out for now...

Don't Even Try (also my thoughts on megan)

you wanna know what i think is hilarious?? everyone thinks they have something to hide, and when they try, they think theyre doing a pretty good job of hiding it...well, guess what!! YOURE NOT!! you all must think im either blind or a very unperceptive person because you cant try and hide the obvious from me!! when i say i know everything or that im psychic, im not entirely joking...sure, i may not know every textbook fact or be able to literally read peoples minds, but i can tell a lot about people just by reading their subtle movements or listening to the way they talk...like i can tell if someone has started an old habit and doesnt want me to know about it...cursing, for instance...just the way some people may hesitate before saying some things, no matter how small the hesitation is...or i can sense that someone may not be telling the truth...like if they pass off an illness that is supposedly severe with a wave of their hand, it probably wasnt even half as bad as they want me to believe...

i think that there are definately some things in our lives that we may not neccessarily want other people to know, but if its something stupid like the things i mentioned above, why would it even matter?? if you curse when youre in one place, but pretend not to somewhere else, isnt that pretending to be someone youre not?? isnt that something everyone tries to avoid?? i certainly thought so...

also, im going to clear the air right now about whats going on between megan and i so i dont have to keep answering stupid questions like "why hasnt megan been to church in a while??" or "have you spoken to megan lately??"...NO i have NOT spoken to her lately, NO i am NOT planning on talking to her anytime soon, NO it is NOT because she is busy with band, YES i AM cutting her out of my life, YES it DOES make me feel bad, YES it DOES hurt a bit, YES i DO almost hate her just a bit, YES she IS being a jerk, YES i DO wish i could slap her, YES the fight IS causing me a lot of stress, NO i did NOT think we were going to stop being friends anytime soon, YES i HAVE written many angry poems about her, NO i am NOT going to post them here or anywhere because YES they DO hurt and it DID hurt to have to write them in the first place, NO im NOT going to talk to her about it, YES i HAVE given up on her completely, YES i DO pray for her every night, NO there has NOT been any more improvement, YES she DOES curse now, YES she DOES have a boyfriend, YES she DOES think church, and therefore God, is a waste of ther time, YES i DO miss joking around and being happy all the time, but NO im NOT gonna start again just yet, YES i DO think im taking this seriously, and YES i DO think its the right thing to do, YES it IS sad that we were once such good friends and now i cant stand her, NO i do NOT regret what i said, YES i WAS telling the truth, and YES she DOES need to get over whatever phase shes going through, YES i DID say she wasnt ready for high school, and YES i DID mean it, and YES i still DO mean it, NO i do NOT think it is neccessary for someone to change when starting high school, and YES it IS possible to still be the same person, YES i DO think she is being immature, and YES i DO blame her entirely, YES i COULD try more to help her, and YES i COULD tell her why im so mad at her, but NO i will NOT, YES she DOES deserve this, and NO i will NOT delete any part of this post, NO i do NOT care who reads it either!!

i really wish i could say that i overreacted and be friends with her again, but i just cant because i know its not true...i was thinking about the fight a few days ago and i realized that we may never make up, and i felt really bad, but i accepted it...sure, im not as exciting as i was before, but ive just mellowed out a bit...you cant tell me at least a few people arent just a bit relieved...i regret nothing, its the philosophy that i live by, and so i dont regret telling megan the truth a few weeks back...i dont regret inviting her to my party way back when either, and im going to honor what i said, so she IS still invited, but only because i dont go back on my word without a really good reason, and i dont see the fact that we're fighting to be that good of a reason...she doesnt have to come, and she probably wont, but i dont want people saying that i never tried to help her out, because i did...oh, and she can say she loves her life right now as much as she wants, but i know she has to feel at least a wee bit bad that her former best friend practically hates her (i dont though, because hate is a strong word)...

so yeah, i dont care if she reads this, and i really dont care if anyone else reads it either, but its good to get it off my chest...

Nothing

yep...another post about nothing...dont worry, it wont be as bad as the last one!!

so yeah, today i got the details for my english "project"...its not really MY project, cuz the whole class is participating in it...we're doing this courtroom kinda thing to put Brutus and Cassius from Julius Caesar on trial for murdering Caesar...i have to be a juror, which is SO not gonna be fun...

ive made a few new videos...one is of my trip to disney world, and the other is for a history project in which i had to create a piece of propaganda for WWII...here they are:






yeah...i got a 100 on the history project, so that was cool...the first time i ever got a 100 on a project in novotnys class!! woo!!

the past few weeks have been kinda boring and eneventful...if anything important ever DOES happen (not that often), its not like i have anyone to tell about it...no offense to some of you guys, but there are some things that i just cant talk to middle-schoolers about...and normally i would call/text/facebook message megan, but as of a couple weeks ago, im unsure of our status...she hasnt answered me about that one post yet, so i can only assume that shes chosen the worse of the 2 choices...not that anyone would know what that is, since i specifically said that it was a post meant only for megan, but whatever...

so yeah, one of the things that HAS happened over the past couple weeks is that nicki and richard are in town...notice i referred to that as neither an exciting nor good thing...she has a gift for making me want to slap her, much like veronica...in fact, its worse when theyre in the same room and are conspiring against me!! so yeah, anyone want 2 sisters and a "brother-in-law"?? you can have mine!!

so umm yeah, i might as well go, since theres really nothing to write about because nothing exciting has happened other that realizing that i have a gift for improv...so yeah, ima go now...

School Update

its been a while since i wrote about school, so just thought id write something...schools been pretty boring overall...ive got 2 projects due for novotny and im reading julius caesar in english...i hate shakespeare right now...camerons on a field trip, so things arent as interesting as usual...brooke forgot her luch today...so did baileigh...poor bossos...im out of gum...darn...im eating a 3 musketeers bar...its pretty good...audreys weird...she reads weird books at lunch and we make fun of them...she'll live...we had a sub in drama and biology today...one made us do worksheets...the other made us watch a video...everyone talked during the video...a fox ate a duck...everyone screamed...novotny read a dr. seuss book...told a dude in my class not to give hepatitis to the stuffed turtle he brought in to go along with book...everyone laughed...actually did work in geometry...teacher was pleased...had to do work in drafting...bell rang before i was ready...almost late to spanish...project in spanish on mi familia...mi clase de espanol es muy aburrido, ?no?...darn computer...i cant put actual spanish symbols into my blog...have to make due without them...thats why there are 2 right-side-up question marks and no tilda in that spanish sentence...says my spanish class is boring, no??...dunno why i asked since you obviously dont know if my class is boring or not...think ill film my history project over the weekend...has to do w/ nazis and jews...need actors...im bored...school is boring...hope i bored you to death with this post...

Decisions

in life, decisions are unavoidable, whether theyre helpful or not, and there are many times in our lives where we have to face decisions that are, pardon the very cliche phrase, life or death...it has come to my attention that a very good friend of mine has reached one of these all-important occurrences in her life, and i think it's about time she made a decision...ok, unlike a very similar post i put on here a few months ago, im not even going to bother with any stupid code names or anything, so yes megan this is about you...if anyone else is reading this, you can just stop right now cuz she was somehow offended by a remark i put in my last post that didnt even use her name, so i deleted it...id rather not have to delete a whole entry, so if you would kindly just skip this one passage?? thank you...

as i was saying, you now have a choice to make, but im not going to make it too too hard on you...im not going to force you to quit band or anything because A) even though i hated it, you seem to like it for some odd reason and although i have almost zero tact, i would never strip someone of something they really cared about, and B) i have no influence at all over any of your decisions so even if i had wanted you to quit (trust me i dont!! i really could not care less about your extracurricular activities!!), you wouldnt have listened to me...so anyway, back to your options...theyre actually quite simple and straightforward: you can either find some kind of balance in your life between your current status and your love for God, or you can just forget about Him altogether...im not trying to sound like some bible nut or anything, but it even says that He'd rather you loved Him or you hated Him; there is no in-between!! dont get me wrong, i mean im not saying you dont love God or anything like that...im just saying that He only asks that you spend a bit of your time each day thinking about Him and what He's done for you...if you cant even take ONE DAY A WEEK from your busy schedule to show other people that you care for Him, i hardly doubt youre going out of your way to show Him!! and trust me, this is NOT just about me anymore...sure, it stung a bit when you first stopped going cuz that was the only time we ever hung out, but i got over that quickly enough, and now youre lucky that i care at least enough to stop you from giving up entirely on your faith...

i think that probably one of the things that ticks me off the most is that we've witnessed this kind of thing in other people, but you cant seem to see it in yourself...or if you do, youve obviously chosen not to act upon it!! like a certain person we know who stopped coming to church after her first mission trip for reasons i never really understood...maybe she wasnt really as committed to God as she claimed to be; i have no idea, but the fact is that it happened, and its happening again...you even compared her to "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns...you would think that you could at least see part of that in you, but i guess not...also, remember last summer when another certain person we know decided she wasnt going to go on the mission trip because she just didnt enjoy it anymore?? i remember getting into quite a heated discussion on the matter because we both knew it was wrong to go on a mission trip just for the enjoyment of the trip...but now you seem to have the same mind set as she had!! i have a direct quote from a texting conversation we had a few weeks ago in which you clearly stated that "church isnt something i enjoy anymore"...sound at all familiar??

i think it takes a lot of nerve to go from dissapproving of someones behavior to acting just like them!! its so hypocritical, and i can honestly say that hypocrisy is something that i can not, under any circumstances at all, tolerate...im not going to say im perfect, because im far from it, as you can probably tell by the fact that my overall careless facade has quite obviously cracked, but i will say that im no hypocrite when it comes to stuff like this!!

finally, i want to end by saying that this could well be one of the most important decisions of your life...i dont usually show my emotions, so you know this has to be something big, at least in my mind!! again, your choices are an equal balance, or just stop even claiming to be a member at PBBC because last time i checked, you had to show up to be a member...and before you make that decision, try to take into account whether you can stand to lose God AND your "best friend" all at once, because if He goes, i go...

chew on that while youre slowly fading away