Different or Dead??

ok so ive said in multiple past posts that ive finally given up on the whole megan situation, but i promise its legit this time!! i just thought i should get some of the last bits of anger off my chest...so ive been trying out some new life philosophies lately, and ive found a few that i like...for example, i try not to regret anything (so far i dont), and i try not to be a hypocrite (not many problems there either, but to say there were none would be hypocrisy)...however, the whole "forgive and forget" thing?? SO not working for me...like, at all!! as much as i try to forgive megan for everything shes put me through, i cant...i mean, its not something stupid like going to escambia instead of west florida this time (we had a pretty heated arguement about that one...not pretty...)!! shes basically saying that she doesnt care about God anymore and thats UNACCEPTABLE and INEXCUSABLE!! i mean, HE GAVE YOU LIFE!! and the LEAST you can do is show up to church and listen for an hour every sunday, but she cant even do THAT!! even HYPOCRITES manage to do at least that!! shes not even TRYING anymore!! see, i can read her a lot better than she thinks i can...i know her well enough to be able to tell basically what shes thinking most of the time, and i could tell she was getting a bit distant after last year's mission trip...ANYONE could tell THAT!! but when everyone else seemed to have let it go, we were two of the small few who held onto our anger...as time passed, so did the vast majority of my frustration with the leaders of our youth...but megan didnt let it go...the whole "K-Town Fiasco" had turned her off to the whole idea of going to church and being led by men who had slandered 4 youth and 3 older men, one of the youth being her own brother...i understood that she wouldnt want to be a part of that, but i figured she would get over it...of course, when she didnt get over it, i was a bit worried...she stopped coming to church, first on wednesdays because of band practice...later, AFTER band practices on wednesdays were done, she still didnt come, which alerted me to the fact that she may just be avoiding the youth group as a whole...then, she stopped coming sundays unless she had nursery...eventually, she was taken off the nursery list and no one ever saw her at church...of course, i was still talking to her a bit outside of church, bugging her about not going, even though i knew it would help...our phone calls got shorter and less frequent, until all we did was text occasionally, mostly on sunday mornings when i bugged her about coming to church...i knew she was avoiding the subject because as soon as i confronted her with anything she would stop replying to my texts, knowing i would send more texts badgering her to answer, because ive never really been one to do that kind of thing...also, i had picked up on the fact that she may have started using not-so-Christian language behind my back...it was the way she hesitated before saying some things and looked at me everytime a curse word popped up in a song we may have been listening to, leading me to believe that she may have almost (or accidentally) slipped and said it when i wasnt looking...i even got a controversial text from her where a certain letter in a certain acronym supposedly did not stand for the word that i knew it stood for based on prior knowledge of the acronym...either way, she was hiding something from me...of course, we all know how well megan hides things from me...i DID figure out that she was my secret partner AND what she got me last summer during the mission trip...so when i finally had had enough and blew up at her, what does she do?? SHE calls ME a liar!! she gets mad because i told the truth!! shes read most of my blog entries about her, and shes gotten mad at every one of them...even though they are basically redundant in that there isnt any new information in any of them...they're all pretty much wordier versions of the text i sent her in february blowing up at her...

so the real reason for this post is NOT to retell my story for the umpteenth time...actually, its to finally reveal the TRUE outcome of my ordeal...while everyone keeps asking me how we're not friends anymore since we were so close and why she doesnt come to church anymore, i find it bewildering that nobody knows the answer already...then, i realize that no one else knows my real stance on the subject...see, to you guys, megan is the same person, just a bit different...

well, i have other views...see, to me, she hasnt changed!! to me, shes dead...

the old megan that i used to hang out with and who used to finish my sentences (and vice versa) is dead, and some freaky new girl has taken her place...someone who has completely different views from my megan and who doesnt even know i exist...someone who ive never met, and who i dont intent to meet anytime in the near future...someone who has no idea how idiotic shes being because she's never known any other way of life...

thats why i dont simply say "oh megans just not here today" or "megan and i are fighting"...no, i say that we shouldnt expect her back and that shes gone completely, because like i said, shes dead to me...its like she doesnt even exist anymore...and yeah, it hurts to think of my best friend as dead, but it would hurt even more to know that shes still there, but she just doesnt care anymore...so please respect my mourning and dont bring her up too often...its not everyday that your best friend dies, ok?? so show some respect...

also, i never really knew exactly how much i depended on having someone there to do stupid stuff with and talk until 5am about nothing...i never knew how much i depended on having someone there who understood the inner workings of my mind to think along the same lines as me and stop me before i acted on any of the dumber things...how much i depended on not being by myself all day every day...i cant stand being around people unless i have someone else just like me to converse with...i cant be my usual bubbly self because its no fun unless theres someone there to laugh at how excited i get over everything...i cant go to any concerts because making those kinds of memories with other people seems wrong since they could erase all my older memories...i cant do any crazy stuff without someone there to hold the camera while i talk stupidly into it...i cant listen to certain music because its no fun without someone else there to dance to it and mess up the lyrics...i cant even THINK about where ill go to school if i have to come back down here for my last semester of school...its even hard to write in this blog because of its origins and the fact that i only have (had) 1 regular viewer...

i want so much to be able to say sorry and get on with my life, but i honestly believe that i have nothing to say sorry for, and that even if i did, theres no one to say sorry to...there isnt even a headstone i can talk to because shes only dead to me...its like the whole chunk of my life that included megan has just disappeared and ive been in a coma and now i have to adjust to life again since ive been asleep so long...

i want so much to forgive her, but i cant...i cant forgive anyone for giving up on God, of all things...she didnt even come for me, which adds insult to injury...its sad because we started out the same...we were saved around the same time, we were baptised within 5 minutes of each other, we both went to sunday school and church on both sundays and wednesdays...we used to have discussions at 3am about certain passages in the bible and how they related to us...we would read passages out loud over the phone...we both went on the mission trip twice, and we worked in the same grade both times...after the first time, we were inseparable...we did everything together...we grew in Christ together, but somehow she slipped away before we were done growing...we were almost exactly the same in terms of lifestyles outside of school...but she was the first to fall off the wagon...

i dont know how the idea ever got into my head, but i guess i was always under the impression that if a problem was meant to be solved, it would resolve itself...i was wrong...shes still dead, and im still angry...she hasnt even tried to apologize, and i have yet to succeed in forgiving her...how can i not be able to forgive the person who planned out her whole wedding to nick jonas and even promised to let me be the maid of honor??

i know its horrible to hold grudges against dead people, but i cant help it...im so angry at her for everything, and im angry at myself for not being able to get over it...

if, somewhere down the road, we end up friends again, i hope she reads this and knows what she put me through, and i hope that she regrets it and sees how stupid it was...

if you read this, yeah im still mad...but an apology would help...

Summer

so its summertime, and i dont know whether i should be happy or sad...it feels great to be doing nothing and know that i dont HAVE to do anything, but its also a bit weird because i keep expecting the vacation to end and ill be back at school...i havent even emptied my bookbag yet because its like i need to make sure im not going back!! its also kinda sad because its my very last year in public schools since ill be homeschooled next year...believe it or not, i (the one who hates school and who has frequently begged to stay home) didnt want to leave on friday...i stayed in the classroom for 20 minutes talking to everyone and thinking about how after i saw past all the work-related stress, the school year had actually been really fun...i almost cried as i walked away for the last time because i knew it was my last day there as a student...i spent another ten minutes walking around campus and taking pictures, but the one i really wanted to take i couldnt take because there were two retards making out right in the way of my shot...im gonna miss it...i cant wait for next year when i get to sneak in during lunches and pep rallies, even if i cant say hi to all my old teachers (i dont want them reporting me after i told them all i was moving...not a smart move...)

so since school let out and ive gotten all (or most) of my tears out of the way, ive been doing basically nothing...i watch movies and listen to music until 4am, then i sleep till 5 or 6pm...its not the most exciting summer break ive ever had, but at least im getting enough sleep...my favorite song right now is "Can't Break Thru" by James Bourne, formerly of Busted...i know its about a relationship, but it kind of fits my life right now...well, one aspect of it anyway...its about how he's given up on a relationship thats been broken and how he wont say he's sorry because he didnt do anything...he talks about how it hurt at first, but now hes "let go in every way"...everyone should listen to it...

Can't Break Thru

isn't it good?? i fell in love with it the first time i heard it, which was like a week ago...sure, theres a not-so-great word in the second verse, but in my mind, i just replace it with yelling

so yeah, i dont know why i even wrote this post because its kind of pointless...all you've learned is that i kind of miss school and that i love a song...how informative!! but yeah...im kinda done because theres nothing else thats even remotely interesting happening in my life right now...bye